September 5th, 2010

Happy 31st Birthday, Tony!
I'm sorry I completely fucked up right before your birthday.
I'm sorry that it's all awkward pauses and conversations on your birthday.
I'm sorry because you'll never forget this birthday. 
I'm sorry.

Last night, was the first night that Tony let me sleep in bed with him.
We went and saw "Inception" last night at the movie theatre and it was pretty good.
I didn't dare touch him for fear that he wouldn't touch back.
He didn't dare touch me, because I'm sure I repulse him.
At least we got out of the house. 

I woke up to Tony bitterly poking my shoulder, which is what he's done now for the last five mornings. It's almost like I'm a disgusting bug, and he's checking to see if I'm alive or dead.  Every morning, it's a great reminder of how badly I screwed up.  I told him, "Happy Birthday" and gave him a half-ass smile.  It feels so wrong to smile in front of him.  I feel guilty having, or portraying, any "good" feelings.  He told me that I had to be ready to take him over to Andy & Kate's so he could ride his bike with Andy to Fast Eddie's.  And that Kate and I should be ready to go around 10:45am to head to Fast Eddie's.  I nodded slowly.  I have so much dread, and the day has just started. 
I woke up, took a shower, got dressed and took Tony over to Kate & Andy's house.  I pulled up and wanted to hide under a bush.  I came to the realization that Andy knew everything too.  I was so embarrassed.  Jemma came down the driveway to greet me and as she was licking my face, and wiggling with glee...I couldn't help but feel guilty again.  This puppy shouldn't love me unconditionally. I hurt her mother just as much as I hurt Tony.  Yet, there she was...licking my face and giving me kisses.  It was nice to know that someone had forgotten.
With every fiber of my being, I wanted to go inside that house and talk to Kate.  But the uncertainty of everything made me jump back in the car, like a coward.  I knew I was going to have to face Kate in few hours anyway.  Why torture yourself sooner? 
I came back home, and here I am.  I have approximately thirty-five minutes before I have to drive over to Kate's house and get in a car with her for a thirty-minute drive.  My stomach is flip-flopping and my mind is coming up with the craziest scenarios of what's going to happen.  Will she lecture me?  Will she hug me?  Will she cry? Will I?  Will we still not be talking when we get out of the car?  Will she say that she's going to support me?  Will she refuse to talk to me? 
It's all too much to think about, and it's making me go insane. 
I just want it to be over.  I just want to be able to talk to my best friend.  These past five days have been unbearable, because I can't talk to my best friend.  I need her to tell me that no matter what happens, she will never stop loving me.  And that she'll always be there.   I guess I'll have to wait and see.
As Ruth says, "Consequences are a bitch."