Happy 31st Birthday, Tony!
I'm sorry I completely fucked up right before your birthday.
I'm sorry that it's all awkward pauses and conversations on your birthday.
I'm sorry because you'll never forget this birthday.
I'm sorry.
Last night, was the first night that Tony let me sleep in bed with him.
We went and saw "Inception" last night at the movie theatre and it was pretty good.
I didn't dare touch him for fear that he wouldn't touch back.
He didn't dare touch me, because I'm sure I repulse him.
At least we got out of the house.
I woke up to Tony bitterly poking my shoulder, which is what he's done now for the last five mornings. It's almost like I'm a disgusting bug, and he's checking to see if I'm alive or dead. Every morning, it's a great reminder of how badly I screwed up. I told him, "Happy Birthday" and gave him a half-ass smile. It feels so wrong to smile in front of him. I feel guilty having, or portraying, any "good" feelings. He told me that I had to be ready to take him over to Andy & Kate's so he could ride his bike with Andy to Fast Eddie's. And that Kate and I should be ready to go around 10:45am to head to Fast Eddie's. I nodded slowly. I have so much dread, and the day has just started.
I woke up, took a shower, got dressed and took Tony over to Kate & Andy's house. I pulled up and wanted to hide under a bush. I came to the realization that Andy knew everything too. I was so embarrassed. Jemma came down the driveway to greet me and as she was licking my face, and wiggling with glee...I couldn't help but feel guilty again. This puppy shouldn't love me unconditionally. I hurt her mother just as much as I hurt Tony. Yet, there she was...licking my face and giving me kisses. It was nice to know that someone had forgotten.
With every fiber of my being, I wanted to go inside that house and talk to Kate. But the uncertainty of everything made me jump back in the car, like a coward. I knew I was going to have to face Kate in few hours anyway. Why torture yourself sooner?
I came back home, and here I am. I have approximately thirty-five minutes before I have to drive over to Kate's house and get in a car with her for a thirty-minute drive. My stomach is flip-flopping and my mind is coming up with the craziest scenarios of what's going to happen. Will she lecture me? Will she hug me? Will she cry? Will I? Will we still not be talking when we get out of the car? Will she say that she's going to support me? Will she refuse to talk to me?
It's all too much to think about, and it's making me go insane.
I just want it to be over. I just want to be able to talk to my best friend. These past five days have been unbearable, because I can't talk to my best friend. I need her to tell me that no matter what happens, she will never stop loving me. And that she'll always be there. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
As Ruth says, "Consequences are a bitch."
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
2nd meeting...
I'm baaaaaack...after having some yummy waffles on this beautiful, cool, crisp morning.
I went to my second AA meeting this morning in Troy at the Methodist church. I wonder...Can you become addicted to going to AA meetings? Is this a bad thing?? I don't know the answer to that...but I'm going to assume that going to meetings, however often, is never bad.
I dont' believe that I've found "the" meeting, yet. I want to have a "home" meeting and a concrete sponsor, but for the time-being, I'm just going to experiment with different meetings in the area.
Today, in this meeting we had Al-anon members meeting with us. It was nice to hear the other side of it. I hope that Tony will go to Al-anon someday. I think it would benefit him greatly. I can't imagine what it's like to not have this alcoholic way of thinking. I bet it's pretty hard to understand why an alcoholic does what they do. Shit...the alcoholic doesn't even know!
We also talked about serenity and the peace within ourselves. There's a lot of negative chatter going on in our heads at any given moment. It's something that we have to work on every day. Calm that chatter. It will only bring you down. We, all, need to find ways to be comfortable with the peace and serenity.
I met a woman today that sounded a lot like me. She was certain that she could go sober on her own.
Our lives had not been THAT bad, we hadn't done things that were THAT terrible, we hadn't been drinking for THAT long, we hadn't been drinking THAT much....uh-huh....riiiiiiiight. That's a bunch of B.S. and we're both realizing that now.
"My life had not been THAT bad."
- Is that why your husband and best friend are refusing to talk to you?
- Is that why your tip-toeing around your own house, now?
- Is that why your husband was crying in pain the last few nights?
- Is that why your attending therapy sessions?
"I hadn't done things that were THAT terrible."
- You could've gotten a DUI, and were very close to getting one...TWICE.
- You drove drunk.
- You cheated on our husband.
- You hurt your friends and family with harsh words.
- You were hungover while playing the piano at church
- You backed out of a service 5 minutes before it started.
- You separated from your husband for almost a year.
(I could go on and on and on.)
"I haven't been drinking for THAT long."
- It doesn't matter how LONG you've been drinking, it's whether or not you can stop, and whether or not your life has been massively been affected by drinking.
"I hadn't been drinking THAT much."
- It doesn't matter how MUCH you were drinking or the amount it took to get drunk. Again...it's whether or not you have the ability to stop, and the consequences from drinking are overcoming your life.
Therefore, without a doubt, I have to say "Hi. My name is Erica, and I'm an alcoholic."
I never thought I would have to say those words, but I'm glad that I can.
And it's nice to know that I'm not the only one.
I went to my second AA meeting this morning in Troy at the Methodist church. I wonder...Can you become addicted to going to AA meetings? Is this a bad thing?? I don't know the answer to that...but I'm going to assume that going to meetings, however often, is never bad.
I dont' believe that I've found "the" meeting, yet. I want to have a "home" meeting and a concrete sponsor, but for the time-being, I'm just going to experiment with different meetings in the area.
Today, in this meeting we had Al-anon members meeting with us. It was nice to hear the other side of it. I hope that Tony will go to Al-anon someday. I think it would benefit him greatly. I can't imagine what it's like to not have this alcoholic way of thinking. I bet it's pretty hard to understand why an alcoholic does what they do. Shit...the alcoholic doesn't even know!
We also talked about serenity and the peace within ourselves. There's a lot of negative chatter going on in our heads at any given moment. It's something that we have to work on every day. Calm that chatter. It will only bring you down. We, all, need to find ways to be comfortable with the peace and serenity.
I met a woman today that sounded a lot like me. She was certain that she could go sober on her own.
Our lives had not been THAT bad, we hadn't done things that were THAT terrible, we hadn't been drinking for THAT long, we hadn't been drinking THAT much....uh-huh....riiiiiiiight. That's a bunch of B.S. and we're both realizing that now.
"My life had not been THAT bad."
- Is that why your husband and best friend are refusing to talk to you?
- Is that why your tip-toeing around your own house, now?
- Is that why your husband was crying in pain the last few nights?
- Is that why your attending therapy sessions?
"I hadn't done things that were THAT terrible."
- You could've gotten a DUI, and were very close to getting one...TWICE.
- You drove drunk.
- You cheated on our husband.
- You hurt your friends and family with harsh words.
- You were hungover while playing the piano at church
- You backed out of a service 5 minutes before it started.
- You separated from your husband for almost a year.
(I could go on and on and on.)
"I haven't been drinking for THAT long."
- It doesn't matter how LONG you've been drinking, it's whether or not you can stop, and whether or not your life has been massively been affected by drinking.
"I hadn't been drinking THAT much."
- It doesn't matter how MUCH you were drinking or the amount it took to get drunk. Again...it's whether or not you have the ability to stop, and the consequences from drinking are overcoming your life.
Therefore, without a doubt, I have to say "Hi. My name is Erica, and I'm an alcoholic."
I never thought I would have to say those words, but I'm glad that I can.
And it's nice to know that I'm not the only one.
Friday, September 3, 2010
My first meeting...
I attended my first AA meeting last night.
Wow....Alcoholics Anonymous.
I can honestly say that I never, ever, thought I'd attend one of these meetings.
I am probably not your typical AA attendee, but then again, every person thinks that thought when they walk in the door. It is still hard for me to grasp that I'm a member of this organization. Full-blown member.
Which means I'm a full-blown alcoholic. It's even hard to say...al-co-ho-lic.
So how did I get here? How did I go from a shy kindergartner, to a (almost) 30 year old alcoholic?
Well, I think there were many different physical and emotional contributions. One does not become alcoholic in one night, do they? Who knows? I'm not so sure.
My father was an alcoholic and I believe that alcoholism is passed on from generation to generation. I hope that my children will not have to fight this. I think that my mother is on the line...I'm not sure about her. Sometimes I think she could take it or leave it. Sometimes I think she drinks because of peer pressure. Sometimes I think she drinks to handle her stress. Sometimes I think she could go years and never crave it.
All I know, is that alcohol has been present in my life for a very long time.
I didn't have my first drink until I was a Sophomore in high school. It was after the homecoming dance, and I went over to my friend's house. Some of the older guys brought in a case of Busch light and I'll never forget the little tingle of excitement. Finally, I was going to be able to prove that I was "cool." I was the only "virgin" to drinking in the basement. (There were around 5 or 6 of us.) They couldn't believe that I'd never had a drink. They decided that the best way to get me started was to play drinking games. So, of course, I obliged. I got myself a beer, cracked it open, and got ready to take my turn. When it came to my turn, of course, I would always have to drink. The first time I tasted the beer, I almost gagged. It was so bitter and gross. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone drink this!?" I chugged like I was supposed to, and luckily they had chocolate donut holes that they had bought when buying the beer. I immediately took a bite out of one, everytime I had to take a drink. That was when I knew I was only drinking because I wanted to fit in with this crowd. Coming from the Lutheran school, I was always an outsider to the public school kids. When we were in high school, I tried everything in my power to fit in, to be "cool." It worked...but at what cost? Why couldn't I have said, "This is disgusting. I'm not drinking this shit!" ? I guess there's a lot of "Why"-questions in everyone's life...isn't there?
I'm writing this blog to announce my New Beginning. I am on a quest of sobriety. I'm excited, confused, scared, hopeful, and uncertain of what's to come.
Last night, I stepped into a church building to enter into an AA meeting. "They" always say that it's the hardest step - walking into your first meeting. It was scary, but not difficult. It's something that was an absolute necessity. I don't think last night was my hardest step. I believe that my hardest step, will be walking into a meeting when I don't want to be there. My hardest step will be picking up the phone to call my sponsor when I feel like I'm in a troublesome situation. I'm not really looking forward to that day, because I want to think that it won't exist....that I'm past that. However, as any alcoholic would tell you...you're never "past" it.
My therapist, Ruth, made a good metaphor: "Any addiction that you face, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or sex, lives in you. It's a part of you. It's like a worm inside of you, just wiggling and wiggling to get out."
I like to think of it that way. My worm can lie dormant...sleeping in wait, but the minute I give it any power, it wakes up and wiggles. Every drop of alcohol at that point, is food to the worm. It feeds the worm more and more power. The next thing you know, your worm has become a giant boa constrictor, squeeeeezing you until it gets its way. How do you over come THAT?! You can't. And I didn't.
My new-found sobriety is a direct result of that scenario. A result of a terrible weekend. I drank, too much, as I always do, and found that the boa constrictor won its battle. The worm had won. And it was a direct consequence of my drinking. Unfortunately they go hand-in-hand.
I have had 6 long days to think about how much I hurt my husband. I've had 3 long, and lonely nights, sleeping in the guest bed. I've had 4 long days of silent treatment, notes, tears, heartache, and anger. I've gone to three therapy sessions in the past 5 days. I've gotten what I deserve.
But I also deserve patience and support. I have relapsed. I've made a mistake. I haven't gone all the way back to the start. I have fallen in a hole on my journey, and am working my way back out of the hole...onto the path where I left off. I can't wait to see what my sober journey brings me. Self-esteem?? Confidence?? A better life?? I'm looking forward to getting back on that path. I just hope my husband, friends, and family are there to join me the rest of the way. They've been with me so far.
I am writing this blog, as a journal. A self-renewal. As a daily reminder of how I got here, and where I'm going next. Now, all I'll have to do is read. It's right here. I can feel empowered, knowing that I have the power and control over that stupid little wiggle-worm.
I AM BETTER than that worm. I AM IN CONTROL of that disgusting worm, now.
Wow....Alcoholics Anonymous.
I can honestly say that I never, ever, thought I'd attend one of these meetings.
I am probably not your typical AA attendee, but then again, every person thinks that thought when they walk in the door. It is still hard for me to grasp that I'm a member of this organization. Full-blown member.
Which means I'm a full-blown alcoholic. It's even hard to say...al-co-ho-lic.
So how did I get here? How did I go from a shy kindergartner, to a (almost) 30 year old alcoholic?
Well, I think there were many different physical and emotional contributions. One does not become alcoholic in one night, do they? Who knows? I'm not so sure.
My father was an alcoholic and I believe that alcoholism is passed on from generation to generation. I hope that my children will not have to fight this. I think that my mother is on the line...I'm not sure about her. Sometimes I think she could take it or leave it. Sometimes I think she drinks because of peer pressure. Sometimes I think she drinks to handle her stress. Sometimes I think she could go years and never crave it.
All I know, is that alcohol has been present in my life for a very long time.
I didn't have my first drink until I was a Sophomore in high school. It was after the homecoming dance, and I went over to my friend's house. Some of the older guys brought in a case of Busch light and I'll never forget the little tingle of excitement. Finally, I was going to be able to prove that I was "cool." I was the only "virgin" to drinking in the basement. (There were around 5 or 6 of us.) They couldn't believe that I'd never had a drink. They decided that the best way to get me started was to play drinking games. So, of course, I obliged. I got myself a beer, cracked it open, and got ready to take my turn. When it came to my turn, of course, I would always have to drink. The first time I tasted the beer, I almost gagged. It was so bitter and gross. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone drink this!?" I chugged like I was supposed to, and luckily they had chocolate donut holes that they had bought when buying the beer. I immediately took a bite out of one, everytime I had to take a drink. That was when I knew I was only drinking because I wanted to fit in with this crowd. Coming from the Lutheran school, I was always an outsider to the public school kids. When we were in high school, I tried everything in my power to fit in, to be "cool." It worked...but at what cost? Why couldn't I have said, "This is disgusting. I'm not drinking this shit!" ? I guess there's a lot of "Why"-questions in everyone's life...isn't there?
I'm writing this blog to announce my New Beginning. I am on a quest of sobriety. I'm excited, confused, scared, hopeful, and uncertain of what's to come.
Last night, I stepped into a church building to enter into an AA meeting. "They" always say that it's the hardest step - walking into your first meeting. It was scary, but not difficult. It's something that was an absolute necessity. I don't think last night was my hardest step. I believe that my hardest step, will be walking into a meeting when I don't want to be there. My hardest step will be picking up the phone to call my sponsor when I feel like I'm in a troublesome situation. I'm not really looking forward to that day, because I want to think that it won't exist....that I'm past that. However, as any alcoholic would tell you...you're never "past" it.
My therapist, Ruth, made a good metaphor: "Any addiction that you face, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or sex, lives in you. It's a part of you. It's like a worm inside of you, just wiggling and wiggling to get out."
I like to think of it that way. My worm can lie dormant...sleeping in wait, but the minute I give it any power, it wakes up and wiggles. Every drop of alcohol at that point, is food to the worm. It feeds the worm more and more power. The next thing you know, your worm has become a giant boa constrictor, squeeeeezing you until it gets its way. How do you over come THAT?! You can't. And I didn't.
My new-found sobriety is a direct result of that scenario. A result of a terrible weekend. I drank, too much, as I always do, and found that the boa constrictor won its battle. The worm had won. And it was a direct consequence of my drinking. Unfortunately they go hand-in-hand.
I have had 6 long days to think about how much I hurt my husband. I've had 3 long, and lonely nights, sleeping in the guest bed. I've had 4 long days of silent treatment, notes, tears, heartache, and anger. I've gone to three therapy sessions in the past 5 days. I've gotten what I deserve.
But I also deserve patience and support. I have relapsed. I've made a mistake. I haven't gone all the way back to the start. I have fallen in a hole on my journey, and am working my way back out of the hole...onto the path where I left off. I can't wait to see what my sober journey brings me. Self-esteem?? Confidence?? A better life?? I'm looking forward to getting back on that path. I just hope my husband, friends, and family are there to join me the rest of the way. They've been with me so far.
I am writing this blog, as a journal. A self-renewal. As a daily reminder of how I got here, and where I'm going next. Now, all I'll have to do is read. It's right here. I can feel empowered, knowing that I have the power and control over that stupid little wiggle-worm.
I AM BETTER than that worm. I AM IN CONTROL of that disgusting worm, now.
