Wow....Alcoholics Anonymous.
I can honestly say that I never, ever, thought I'd attend one of these meetings.
I am probably not your typical AA attendee, but then again, every person thinks that thought when they walk in the door. It is still hard for me to grasp that I'm a member of this organization. Full-blown member.
Which means I'm a full-blown alcoholic. It's even hard to say...al-co-ho-lic.
So how did I get here? How did I go from a shy kindergartner, to a (almost) 30 year old alcoholic?
Well, I think there were many different physical and emotional contributions. One does not become alcoholic in one night, do they? Who knows? I'm not so sure.
My father was an alcoholic and I believe that alcoholism is passed on from generation to generation. I hope that my children will not have to fight this. I think that my mother is on the line...I'm not sure about her. Sometimes I think she could take it or leave it. Sometimes I think she drinks because of peer pressure. Sometimes I think she drinks to handle her stress. Sometimes I think she could go years and never crave it.
All I know, is that alcohol has been present in my life for a very long time.
I didn't have my first drink until I was a Sophomore in high school. It was after the homecoming dance, and I went over to my friend's house. Some of the older guys brought in a case of Busch light and I'll never forget the little tingle of excitement. Finally, I was going to be able to prove that I was "cool." I was the only "virgin" to drinking in the basement. (There were around 5 or 6 of us.) They couldn't believe that I'd never had a drink. They decided that the best way to get me started was to play drinking games. So, of course, I obliged. I got myself a beer, cracked it open, and got ready to take my turn. When it came to my turn, of course, I would always have to drink. The first time I tasted the beer, I almost gagged. It was so bitter and gross. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone drink this!?" I chugged like I was supposed to, and luckily they had chocolate donut holes that they had bought when buying the beer. I immediately took a bite out of one, everytime I had to take a drink. That was when I knew I was only drinking because I wanted to fit in with this crowd. Coming from the Lutheran school, I was always an outsider to the public school kids. When we were in high school, I tried everything in my power to fit in, to be "cool." It worked...but at what cost? Why couldn't I have said, "This is disgusting. I'm not drinking this shit!" ? I guess there's a lot of "Why"-questions in everyone's life...isn't there?
I'm writing this blog to announce my New Beginning. I am on a quest of sobriety. I'm excited, confused, scared, hopeful, and uncertain of what's to come.
Last night, I stepped into a church building to enter into an AA meeting. "They" always say that it's the hardest step - walking into your first meeting. It was scary, but not difficult. It's something that was an absolute necessity. I don't think last night was my hardest step. I believe that my hardest step, will be walking into a meeting when I don't want to be there. My hardest step will be picking up the phone to call my sponsor when I feel like I'm in a troublesome situation. I'm not really looking forward to that day, because I want to think that it won't exist....that I'm past that. However, as any alcoholic would tell you...you're never "past" it.
My therapist, Ruth, made a good metaphor: "Any addiction that you face, whether it be drugs, alcohol, or sex, lives in you. It's a part of you. It's like a worm inside of you, just wiggling and wiggling to get out."
I like to think of it that way. My worm can lie dormant...sleeping in wait, but the minute I give it any power, it wakes up and wiggles. Every drop of alcohol at that point, is food to the worm. It feeds the worm more and more power. The next thing you know, your worm has become a giant boa constrictor, squeeeeezing you until it gets its way. How do you over come THAT?! You can't. And I didn't.
My new-found sobriety is a direct result of that scenario. A result of a terrible weekend. I drank, too much, as I always do, and found that the boa constrictor won its battle. The worm had won. And it was a direct consequence of my drinking. Unfortunately they go hand-in-hand.
I have had 6 long days to think about how much I hurt my husband. I've had 3 long, and lonely nights, sleeping in the guest bed. I've had 4 long days of silent treatment, notes, tears, heartache, and anger. I've gone to three therapy sessions in the past 5 days. I've gotten what I deserve.
But I also deserve patience and support. I have relapsed. I've made a mistake. I haven't gone all the way back to the start. I have fallen in a hole on my journey, and am working my way back out of the hole...onto the path where I left off. I can't wait to see what my sober journey brings me. Self-esteem?? Confidence?? A better life?? I'm looking forward to getting back on that path. I just hope my husband, friends, and family are there to join me the rest of the way. They've been with me so far.
I am writing this blog, as a journal. A self-renewal. As a daily reminder of how I got here, and where I'm going next. Now, all I'll have to do is read. It's right here. I can feel empowered, knowing that I have the power and control over that stupid little wiggle-worm.
I AM BETTER than that worm. I AM IN CONTROL of that disgusting worm, now.
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